Wonderful Wee Webbers: March 2012

So a couple months ago we had a park date with Haley and Abby's biological mom (aka "tummy mom"), and literally, 1 second, if that, after closing the car door and driving away, Abby said "Mom, I already miss Momma Robin. When I see her walk away, it's like I miss her so much in my heart." I don't know why, but it was the first time it hit me that Carey and I are not God's best for them. I know that we are part of His redemption plan, which is awesome, but the ideal is for children to be well loved and cared for by their biological parents. I spent the rest of the drive home thinking about that. I didn't feel sad, just humbled, I guess, if that makes any sense. I am not God's best for my daughters. I am not the ideal, original plan. Not to say that I am not good enough, or I am not the best in this situation, because I know that this is all part of God's plan.

Side-note: I don't think I've ever said this on my blog, but when I was 22 I started praying for twins. That's kind of an odd thing to do, but looking back, I know that it was something the God gave to me to pray for! Also, the week that Haley and Abby came to live with us was a week that, months earlier, I had been asked to be the speaker up at my favorite summer camp, Camp Hammer. When I had been asked to speak, I wanted to do it so badly, but, as I prayed about it, I felt like I needed to say no. I struggled with it a bit, because I love Camp Hammer so much, I jump at any opportunity to be there, and I couldn't see any reason why I shouldn't say yes. But, finally I was obedient to what I felt God saying, and I turned down the offer. It was about two weeks after our daughters came to live with us that I realized the week they came home was the same week I would have been speaking at camp if I had said yes.

Anyway, it's an emotional, scary (for me), wonderful, heart-breaking, faith-building thing to be an adoptive parent. I love my daughters so much, but the joy that I have at them being my daughters come with a primal wound that they will always have, that I can not heal for them.

The other day, Abby's teacher (who we LOOOOVE) told me that Abby was telling the class a story for share time and said "A long time ago, when I still lived with my tummy mommy, before I lived with my real mommy..." I just about burst into tears when she told me that. Not because I feel like I need to mean more to her than her bio mom, but because that's how she thinks of me...as her mom.

As the girls have been in kindergarten, I have seen them trying to figure out who they are and how they relate to the world on their own, with out me. It's been precious and hard at the same time, to let them (especially Haley) struggle through, and I know this is only the beginning.

I guess this post is kind of rambly and maybe boring, but it's such a big part of our life, it is our life, and it's been on my mind a lot lately. Just tonight I asked Haley if she misses momma Robin and if she thinks about her very often. She said no, but I wonder if that's true. I never know the balance of bringing it up, so they know it's not a forbidden topic and that their feelings about being adopted are valid, no matter what they are, and just letting it go and let them bring it up.